In
his own words, here’s the story from Bluegrass Bob his own self
-"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there
at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer truck, when the call
came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
Judge
# 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 – (Bluegrass Bob) “Holy Toledo, what the heck is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.“
Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
Judge
# 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give
me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look
on my face.
Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
Judge
# 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting blown away from all of the beer!
Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge
# 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
That 300-lb. waitress is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste
I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge
# 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable
kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from
the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really chafes me off that
the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge
# 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge #3-- I think I crapped my pants when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. She
must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
Judge
# 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge
#3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made
of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of
my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like poop to match my shirt. At least
during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)
Judge
# 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy
enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and
pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?